On May 3rd, 2003, I came to Oklahoma City with barely anything at all. If all goes well, I’ll be leaving almost 9 years to the day after I arrived in OKC. For those of you who don’t know, I’m about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life. I’ve always said that if I could live anywhere, I would live in San Francisco. So… I’m selling everything and moving to San Francisco. More on that later… In my last post, I said of 2012: “I hope that there will be an uptick in the intensity with which I live my life.” In all my years, the one thing I’ve never done is chase a dream, I spent a lot of time pining for the day that my dreams would come true. If you’ve known me for any length of time you’re probably thinking I’ve gone off the deep end. I want, simply, to enjoy my life. It’s time for me to do the opposite of sane, safe, and stable. My emotions vary from scared shitless to sadness. I’m scared that I’ll end up not finding a good job and having to live in the tenderloin, carrying pepper spray with me everywhere. I’m scared that I’ll get mugged, or have my phone stolen right out of my hands, I’m sad that I’m leaving behind a great job, my kitty cats, my handsome little Chuck Chuck, and some AMAZING people, some of whom I’m just getting to know. However, in spite of all of that, I’m excited. For once in my life I’m doing something not out of consideration for others, but for myself. I honestly believe that it’s what’s best for me.
Isn't it beautiful? Hills! Actual hills!
But, why San Francisco? If you’ve never been there, it may seem nuts. Most people seem to think it’s full of bums, transvestites, and it has constant earthquakes. That’s not entirely true. It does have those things, but the earthquakes aren’t constant, the bums are mostly confined to the sketchy parts of town, and the transvestites, well I don’t see where the drawback is. As a woman with abnormally GIANT feet, I’m super excited at the prospect of making friends with whom I might be able to share fabulous shoes.
San Francisco is the second most densely populated city in the US (17,000+/sq. mile). Coming from Oklahoma City, one of the most spread out cities in America (density of less than 1,000/sq. mile), that’s going to be quite a change. I’m going from living in a modestly sized 2 bedroom house with a big yard that I have all to myself into either a rented room or a one room studio where I’ll have to fight for parking and listen to my neighbors have sex. If the city chews me up and spits me out, Oklahoma will always be here. I feel that, if nothing else, this adventure will grow me in ways I just can’t possibly fathom right now. I just long for a change in scenery, and that tight feeling in my chest that lets me know that I’m alive. I can’t wait to see where this leads me. I need an adventure, and more importantly, I need to leave behind the stagnancy I’ve found myself in.
The thing I’m most excited about is being closer to my Sister and her big dumb husband (I love you Tim!), my Mom and my niece and nephew who will be just a short 2 ½ hour drive away. The bonus to all of that is that THE Emma is just a few miles North of San Francisco in San Rafael. She’s a wonderful British transplant whom I met through NewBeetle.org. She’s been a wonderful encouragement and I’m so glad she’ll be nearby. I just hope she realizes how much I may rely on her in the beginning. Like, for example, when I can’t pay my rent after I haven’t found a job and I get arrested for prostitution trying to make ends meet. I just know that dear sweet Emma will be there to bail me out.
Looking back over the last few months since Ryan left, I’ve had a tremendous change in my ideals. Having experienced a loss that I honestly, very naively thought I would never have to experience, I realized something about myself. Having been faced with the failure of a relationship I had hoped would last a lifetime, I came to a difficult realization; I’m not entirely sure that marriage and family are what I want. For the first time in my life I’m okay with that. I’m not in a hurry to meet someone new, I don’t care if I ever do at this point. I know that will change. but for now, I’m perfectly content. That's a feeling I’ve never truly known, only something I feigned.
I’m hoping to leave May 5th, pending the sale of my house. As I’ve been doing my early preparations, I’ve discovered just how much crap one can accumulate in 9 years time. I’ve found boxes of stuff I haven’t touched in 2 years or more, clothes I haven’t worn in nearly as long, and bills dating back 5 years. It’s ridiculous. I’m excited to continue my love affair with this amazing city with a clean slate. No baggage, not so much “stuff”, just me, my dog, my car, and a dream in my heart. I hope I have a super sassy gay roommate.
