Defeated? I think not.

When I conjured up this dream of moving to San Francisco, I imagined that if I ever returned to Oklahoma, it would be with my tail between my legs and a bruise on my ego.  Now that I'm back in Oklahoma City, that's not entirely the case.  The question I'm asked most often in reference to my returning home is "Why?  I thought you loved it there."  I did and still do love it in San Francisco.  It's an amazing city with so much beauty, and so many wonderful little bars and restaurants, and quirky people.  When stepping off BART and heading up the escalator to Market Street, I always felt that in that moment, I was where I belonged.  I've never really felt that anywhere else.  I felt that the very first time I visited SF nearly ten years ago and that has never faded.  The other side of the answer is that I wasn't happy with where I was at in Oakland.  I felt completely trapped there.  Honestly, not being in San Francisco felt like torture.  It was $7 round trip to get into the city, and when $7 decides whether you eat tomorrow or not, you don't go anywhere.  You stay in your apartment that smells like cat pee and you watch way too many episodes of Downton Abbey.

Oakland is unique.  It has a lot going for it.  There's First Fridays, Art Murmer, the Farmer's Market every Friday, year round, and there's also the gorgeous Lake Merrit and the many other hiking trails in the East Bay. However, when it's not exactly what you wanted, you can't help but feel like it's the poor man's San Francisco.  For one, while smoking pot is a pretty common outdoor activity in San Francisco, Oakland has a permanent haze over it.  Second, hipsters, EVERYWHERE.  Jesus, if I had to look at one more douche bag in a plaid shirt with suspenders and a bow-tie riding around on a tandem bicycle without a partner, I was going to go start picking people off with a bee bee gun.  "Suspenders!?" thwomp. "Bowtie?! thwomp. "Old timey hat or trucker hat?!" thwomp.  It was too much some days.  The occasional, hipster isn't a bad thing.  I have a couple of hipster friends, but so many of them are just trying so desperately to be cool, relevant, etc.

This guy probably drinks PBR,
hangs out at Awaken Cafe in Oakland,
and  writes with a typewriter that he
brings to the coffee shop with him.
He probably also rides a fixie
and/or a tandem bicycle.

I told everyone when I left not to worry, that I was indeed ecstatic to return home to Oklahoma. The truth is, I was ecstatic, honestly.  But here's why, and it may not be for the reason you think; As a dear friend pointed out, and as I discovered through self reflection, I find myself to be happiest when I have something to obsess over.  Yes, this just became a self psycho-analysis.  Occasionally, when things aren't great, that something  to obsess over might need to be manufactured.  I know this is a flaw, and this is what therapy is for.  Hey, at least I'm aware of that shit. Previously, I obsessed over my religious beliefs, over renovating my house, my work, my friends, my boyfriend, my car, Ziggy (Yes, he has a name, and yes, it's after the computer of the same name on Quantum Leap. Go ahead and laugh.) Most recently, I obsessed about my move to San Francisco; where I would live how I would get around, where I would work, etc.  I romanticized the idea.  Well, the same thing happened in coming home.  I was in such a rut that I became obsessed with the idea that this would fix my problems.  In some ways, coming home did do that.  It fixed the cat piss soaked, pigeon infested attic apartment problem, it fixed the "my boss is such an asshole" problem (more on that later), and the "I can't afford to eat" problem. The truth is, whatever my reasoning however misguided that anyone else may see it, I'm glad I'm back here, I needed to be here.  I needed to get out of he situation I was in. And most importantly, I needed to be grounded with the people I love most.

In my short time home, I've come to the realization what made me leave in the first place was the support of people who encouraged me to follow my dream. There are, of course, the naysayers, those who think I'm irresponsible, etc.  But seriously, fuck them.  Life is a journey, and whatever makes you happy might take some time.  A good friend said to me a few days ago, "Sometimes we don't know what the right choice is until we make the wrong one."  Granted, I think that in that moment, coming home was the right choice for me, but it isn't necessarily right in the long term.

So, the short of it...  I'm happy to be in Oklahoma City. There are some wonderful people here that I love dearly, and I've missed them so much.  I'm glad to be here for a short time, but I will be returning to San Francisco to continue my dream.  It might be a month, it might be six, who knows?  I'm using this time to get my shit together, find the right job, save some money, and spend some time with friends.  I'm filling my tank, so to speak.  So no hate Oklahoma, you are my roots.  I'm not leaving because I don't want to be here, I'm leaving because being away from there reminds me how much I wanted to be there in the first place.