2012... What a jerk

Oh my, it’s been a long time. I wish I could say I’ve been too busy to blog because I’ve been living a fabulous San Francisco life.  I haven’t.  As a matter of fact, this has been one shitty year. Honestly, I’ve had worse times in my life.  However, I set out in 2012 to live with more intensity, to accomplish goals, to become a better person. I didn’t do much to accomplish any of those things.  I’ve been a lazy bitch. Here’s the skinny on what went down in 2012 (or what didn't). 

When I came to San Francisco in April, I was bursting with naïve optimism.  I had lined up an awesome apartment, met some wonderful new peeps, and I had found a job that seemed to be a good opportunity.  It turned out to be four months of verbal abuse with low pay and high stress.  Mostly that stress came from fear of being yelled at at any moment by one of the most intimidating, awful people I've ever met. My boss even said in a meeting one day that he wanted to put a sign up in the office with a picture of the Auschwitz sign that says "Live to work, work to live."  That was my cue to get the fuck out.  I spent April-August in a miserable work situation that made me hate my very existence.  I cried most days wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into.  Not only was my job shit, but the stress made me a rotten bitch who was difficult to live with.  My poor roommate bore the brunt of that abuse.  In my defense, I still maintain that he is a disgrace to gay men.  Seriously, who doesn’t wipe kitchen counters?!  I kid.

My now former roommate is a great guy, and he really made my early months in SF bearable.  In spite of how much better my life was in the evenings by watching endless episodes of Weeds, I nearly returned to Oklahoma.  Nearly.  When it became apparent to my employer that I didn’t operate well under the model of fear based motivation, they laid me off.  It was the single most liberating moment of 2012 for me. I knew immediately what had to happen.  I had to move out of my apartment and figure something out. My upstairs neighbors were oh so gracious to have me in their home for a little over a month, and they still speak to me!   I spent that month looking for work, barely making it on what little unemployment I was receiving. When it was time to move on, I went to Sonora, a couple hours from the city, to stay with my Mom.  I spent a few weeks there until I received a job offer in Oakland. That was actually a great time for me and my Mom.  We were two bachelorettes conquering the DVR and creating memories via the Wii.  After receiving a job offer, I realized I didn't have enough money to even get to the bay area, let alone enough to sustain me until I received my first paycheck.  I swallowed my pride and went to emailing a bunch of very dear friends in Oklahoma who all contributed over $1000 inside of 48 hours.  It was that moment that shaped my outlook for the coming year.  In spite of everything, I am loved, and I am not alone.  

In my search for a place to live, I met a wonderful couple my age through the Bay Area Reddit Users Group (mad shout out to the fantastic Sam and Joe!) and they offered their spare room for rent (seriously, I love the internet).  It was only for a short term, but it was something, and it allowed me to be in Oakland to start my new job in early October. By November I had found a new apartment sans roommates.  So here we are.  I live in the attic of a 140 year old Victorian in Oakland.  My San Francisco dream didn’t turn out the way I thought.  I’m in Oakland, just across the bay and I can’t help but feel like I’ve been thrust into purgatory.  Although it’s just a waiting period, I signed a year lease, and I plan on using that year in Oakland to get my shit together so I can return to the city I love.  Oakland isn’t so bad.  It’s flat, which is great for this fat ass who has taken up a bicycle over a car, and the gang violence they talk about on television is really isolated to certain parts of the city, which I am not in.

In spite of all the things I cut myself down for not having accomplished, I must point out that I accomplished one huge part of my dream.  I moved to San Francisco.  I can’t believe that I’m here. Every time I get off the train and step off the escalator onto Market Street I get this brief high.  It’s just an amazing place.  It’s everything Oklahoma wasn’t.  I feel, for the first time ever, that I am exactly where I need to be.  While it’s difficult and I have my moments of loneliness and bitterness accompanied by doubt, fear, and regret, I accomplished something huge this year, and I’m pretty fucking proud of that.

So here’s to 2012, I’m glad you’re gone.  And here’s to 2013, may we always remember that life is what we make it. We control our destinies, and no one else can stop us if we know what we want.

So here are my goals for 2013:

Stop worrying-

A friend of mine pointed out to me how much I worry.  It's stuck with me, and I'm trying really hard to overcome that.  Here's to a worry free 2013. 

Foster deeper, more meaningful friendships-

Most importantly, I need to foster deeper relationships with the AMAZING people I’ve met since arriving here.  I need to make more time to spend time with these remarkable people.   

Be… not a fatass-

As I say every year, I need to lose weight.  I’m a fat ass. There’s no way around it.  I know it, everyone around me knows it, let’s just get past the niceties and point out the elephant in the room. I have no real plan, but to be more conscious of what I eat.  I’m hoping that having adopted a new mode of transportation will help with this.  I'm not going to say that my goal is to lose weight, so much as it's to make healthier decisions. 

Date-

Seriously, It’s been 14 months since I had my heart ripped from my chest. I think most days that I’m ready, but I find myself still talking about him, or even blaming him for the way things have turned out for me. Then again, it’s a heart knowledge versus head knowledge.  I know that him leaving was the best choice for both of us.  I tell myself that daily, but you know.  It’s hard ‘n shit (that's for you Dan). But it’s obvious that it’s time to move on. I’m hoping to do that in the coming months.

Write/Blog-

I want so badly to write more, not just blog, but I think I might finally carve out  some time to write at length about my experiences with having AIS. It’s something I’ve become increasingly more open about and I’m passionate about educating people on the variations in how we each experience the very mutually exclusive male/female gender farce.  I’m quite obviously decidedly female, as AIS doesn’t really allow for too much gender ambiguity.  However, I have made some wonderful transgendered friends in San Francisco who, in spite of what my Oklahoma roots have taught me, are well adjusted, wonderful people who happen to have been born into the wrong body.

Sell my car-

The most painful decision I’ve made since I’ve been here is that I no longer need  my car.  I have decided to sell my dearest Ziggy.  We had a good ride, now it’s time for me to ride my bike off into the sunset and rid myself of the insurance and loan payments.

Pay off my credit cards. Again. –

Seriously, do we ever fucking learn?  Also, I plan on making a dent in my student loans.

Stop being a jerk-

Meaning… follow through with promises.  I’m terrible at that.  Terrible.  I have no excuse, except that I’m a lazy bitch.